From the

Official News Magazine of the Diocese of Spokane

Everyday Grace: Raising honest kids in a dishonest world (Part II)

by Mary Cronk Farrell

(From the Aug. 22, 2002 edition of the Inland Register)

(The names have been changed.)

Margie grew suspicious as she listened to her daughter Gina read the English paper aloud.

“It didn’t sound like her writing,” says Margie. “It was easy for my husband to track where she’d been on the computer, and we found the paper. She’d plagiarized it.”

Shock, disbelief, anger — Margie had never imagined facing this. Her daughter was strong in English, had written several A papers already that semester and got along well with the teacher.

Margie couldn’t face looking in the student handbook for the policy on cheating, but she feared Gina would be kicked out of the Catholic high school she attended.

“I had a huge pit in my stomach,” she said, “but we couldn’t ignore it.”

Margie and her husband confronted Gina.

“Yeah, I did it,” said Gina. “It was stupid. I started feeling pressure because the teacher loved my writing.”

Gina sensed immediately that she would have to own up to her mistake. “Don’t make me do it,” she cried. “Please, don’t make me...”

But her parents held firm, insisting the their daughter go to the teacher and admit to cheating. Margie agreed to go along, but Gina had to do the talking.

The temptations to dishonesty are huge for teenagers today. The Internet has made plagiarizing quick and easy. Our materialistic culture and the quick profits of the last decade promote an attitude of entitlement and greed. Teens may think stealing or lying is okay if they can get away with it. After all, they see Enron executives walking away with millions of dollars while honest workers end up losing jobs and life savings. They see church leaders hiding the truth, allowing children to be hurt, yet remaining in positions of power.

As parents we need to be rock solid: dishonesty in all its forms is wrong.

Current news presents an opportunity to have a frank talk with our teenagers. They may believe their deceit won’t hurt anyone, and may not have thought through how they can hurt themselves.

We can explain how if they cheat, they will never know how far their own abilities might have taken them. No matter the accolades they receive, deep down they’ll know they don’t deserve them. Their self-image will diminish and it will be difficult for them to see they are made in the likeness of God.

Explain the fragility of reputation, and how hard it is to regain people’s trust once you’ve been dishonest.

All our relationships rest on a web of trust. Once that starts to unravel, the whole is damaged. One dishonest act can create a ripple effect injuring many.

Even saying all the right things may not be enough to keep your child strong in the face of temptation.

If you suspect your child is lying, cheating or stealing, do not ignore it. Dishonest behavior is unlikely to go away on its own.

Take a deep breath and wait until you’re calm to act. If you have proof, confront your teen and insist they admit fault and make amends. In the case of Margie, this was one of the hardest things she’d ever faced as parent. It may help to confide in a trusted friend who will encourage and support you behind the scenes.

Avoid outright accusations if you’re merely suspicious of your son or daughter. Bring up the subject in a non-threatening way. Give your teen space in which to admit a mistake and yet retain dignity.

Now that the ordeal is behind her, Margie is glad she made Gina confess plagiarizing the English paper. The teacher said he was really disappointed in Gina, but impressed she had come clean. She received a zero for the assignment, but no further punishment.

“I think it scared the you-know-what out of her,” says Margie. “But I don’t think she’ll do it again. I think she learned her lesson.”

(Mary Cronk Farrell is a freelance and children’s writer living in Spokane with her husband and three children.)

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